The Time Stu Turned Me Into a Football Star (for 1 Day)

In honor of the Super Bowl, here’s my story about the time Stu turned me into a football star . . . for one day.

To read more about our adventures, buy the book here https://www.amazon.com/Stu-Stories-Adventures-Sidekick-Bones/dp/1462119557 or here http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/stu-stories-patrick-hueller/1123830506.

 

Dear Reader

There are two things you need to know about my childhood friend Stu Sanderson. The first is that he was tall. Really, really tall. By eighth grade he was close to seven feet tall.

The second? His goal in life was to be legendary.

Sincerely,

Patrick “Bird Bones” Hueller

 

 

How I Became a Football Star (Briefly, But Still)

As always during recess, I was sitting at the edge of the playground. As always, Stu was nowhere to be found. As always, Clara was on the tire swing, her feet planted firmly on the ground.

Once again, a football fell out of the sky. This time it landed to my left and bounced toward the giant yellow slide.

It never got there, though, because a foot stopped it.

A giant foot.

Stu’s foot.

I’d been looking for him for at least ten minutes, and hadn’t seen him. How did he just appear like that? Where had he come from? To this day I can’t explain it.

“A little help?” It was Chad Logan’s voice. He had apparently decided not to come all the way to the playground this time, and I didn’t blame him. Last time he made the trip, his return was painful, slippery, and embarrassing.

Stu bent his long body and picked up the ball. “Play you for it, dude,” he said.

“What?”

Yeah—what?

“If you win, you can have your football. If we win, we get to keep the football.”

“Who’s we?” Chad Logan asked.

Yeah—who was we?

“Me and Bird Bones,” Stu said.

“That’s it?” Chad said. “Just you and Bird Bones?”

It sounded like that’s exactly what he meant. “Wait,” I said. “Stu. I don’t—”

“I’m in.”

I turned. It was Clara. She stood up and set her book on the now-wobbling tire. I think this was her way of marking her territory. Just because I’m not here, she seemed to be saying, doesn’t mean anyone’s allowed to take my spot.

“You, Bird Bones and Clarasil,” Chad said. “That makes three.”

“I want to play, too!”

I turned some more. It was Justin Richards. Stumpy, mind-wandering, almost-as-short-as-I-was Justin Richards.

“You, Bird Bones, Clarasil and Just Rich.” Chad smirked. “Anyone else?”

“Me.”

We all turned and found some little kid stepping away from a slid and heading in our direction. He couldn’t have been more than a fourth grader.

“Me, too!”

“Me, too!”

“Can I play?”

“How about me? Can I play, too?”

Shouts came from all over the playground. Within a few seconds, a whole line of elementary school kids stood next to me.

I looked at Stu. He still held the football in one hand. The other hand rubbed his chin.

“All of us,” he said, “versus all of you.”

The whole thing was pretty inspirational. I’d been hoping to play football at recess for years, and now I was going to get my chance.

I should have been excited, but when I looked at our competition I realized I’d never really thought the situation through. Our opponents seemed suddenly huge.

They were just guys from my class—I knew that. But, compared to most of us, they might as well have been NFL linemen.

“Let’s get this over with, Chad,” one of them hollered.

“We’ll pummel them and then we’ll take our ball back,” said another.

Chad considered it. Then he smiled. “We’ll do it if you promise not to cry to a teacher when we’re done.”

I, for one, couldn’t promise anything of the sort. What did they mean by pummel us? That didn’t sound like touch football. And we weren’t playing on snow here. We weren’t even playing on grass. This was ice. Slick, thick ice. Getting pummeled would hurt badly enough on a regular surface. But on this stuff? No way, I thought. The only reason I’m not going to cry is because I’m not going to play.

“You’re on,” Stu said.

That’s when all the other puny elementary kids let out a battle bellow. Well, it was more like a battle squeal. But still, their courage was impressive. I’ve never been one to be ashamed of cowardice—not if it’s justified. Stupid courage is just that—stupid. But then again, even I had standards. I didn’t need to be as brave as your average middle schooler, but I did need to be as brave as your average fourth grader. Besides, how dangerous could this really be? Stu was the one who came up with the challenge, so it was fair to assume he’d be the one with the ball most of the time. He was plenty skinny, so there was a chance he’d be snapped in two. But he was also almost seven feet tall, so you couldn’t really say he was at a size disadvantage.

Maybe the eighth graders wouldn’t be able to catch up to Stu’s long-legged strides, I thought.

Even if they did catch up to him, well, he brought this on himself. If he wanted the football so badly, he could have it.

“Okay, team,” Stu said after our team huddled up. “When in doubt, get the ball to Bird Bones.”

“What are you talking about?” I said.

“Relax, dude—you’ll do great.”

“Why don’t you take the ball?”

“On this ice? No way, dude.”

“You’re the one who got us all into this!” I protested.

“My legs are too long, Bird Bones. I won’t be able to stop or change directions without falling. But your puny legs are perfect for this terrain. Your steps are so itty bitty you probably won’t even notice you’re on ice.”

I think he meant that as a compliment.

In any case, he wasn’t kidding. Stu tossed me the ball on the first play and, well, to this day I can’t explain it.

Except to say Stu was right.

I ran around five or six guys before anyone touched me. The same thing happened on the next play. You know that scene in one of the Star Wars movies when the Empire’s big hulking four-legged metal contraptions are tripped up by the Alliance’s little fighter jets?  That’s exactly what this felt like. I was a fighter jet as the other team stumbled and fell like they were made of rusted metal. I’d been so worried I’d get splatted on the ice, but they were the ones going SPLAT!

“Everyone,” Chad finally ordered, “get Bird Bones! He’s their only player!”

That’s when Stu faked the handoff to me and threw the ball instead. Clara Berns was wide open. After she caught the ball, she could have walked the rest of the way past the cone that marked the end zone. But she didn’t. Clara kept running until she crossed the goal line. Just as I’d suspected, she was really, really fast.

I’d like to tell you this was a true Cinderella story. But that would be dishonest. There was no great upset. David didn’t beat Goliath.

We lost. By more than one touchdown.

The eighth grade guys got to keep their ball and their field.

But we didn’t get pummeled. At least not literally.

All of us walked away relatively unharmed. We even scored a few more touchdowns. When one of the little kids scored, he spiked the ball and did an end zone dance that lasted several minutes. When Just Rich wandered with the ball into the end zone, he just kept on wandering twenty, thirty, forty more yards. I don’t think he would have stopped wandering if we hadn’t chased him down and brought him back to the field.

No, we didn’t win, but it felt almost like we did.

Clara even high-fived me.

“I didn’t know anyone could run on ice like that, Patrick,” she said.

Then she walked back to the playground to get her book.

I didn’t know you knew my name, I thought.

That time Stu vanished in the middle of class….

(Happy New Year! Below is the story of the time my buddy Stu vanished in the middle of class. It’s not the full story–to hear the whole thing you’ll have to get my book, Stu Stories: The Adventures of Dirt Clod and His Sidekick Bird Bones: https://www.amazon.com/Stu-Stories-Adventures-Sidekick-Bones/dp/1462119557)

Dear Reader

There are two things you need to know about my childhood friend Stu Sanderson. The first is that he was tall. Really, really tall. By eighth grade he was close to seven feet tall.

The second? His goal in life was to be legendary.

Sincerely,

Patrick “Bird Bones” Hueller

 

Stu Sanderson Vanishes in the Middle of Class

Ms. Gribbs was Stu’s and my 8th grade English teacher. She had thin lips that she smeared too much lipstick on and frizzy hair that she piled on top of her head.

The other thing you need to know about Ms. Gribbs is that, well, to use the technical term, the woman was batty.

I mean this with all due respect, but she was a total nut job.

We’re talking Loony Tunes here.

I’m not saying this to be cruel. I actually liked Ms. Gribbs a lot. But that doesn’t change the fact her brain was seriously warped.

For instance, she made us sit in a circle every day.

Okay, that might not sound so crazy. You might have even had classes where you sat in a circle.

But if you did, I bet those classes didn’t have 38 kids in them.

Don’t get me wrong. Her reason for making us sit in a circle was noble. If I remember right, it had something to do with King Arthur. He supposedly had a round table so everyone felt equally involved in whatever was going on. Which is what Ms. Gribbs said she wanted, too. Equality.

Cool idea, right?

One problem: we didn’t fit in a circle. Not really. The only way Ms. Gribbs could squeeze us all in was to push the desks really close to the walls. One of the desks sat right in front of the door.

We actually had to climb over it in order to enter or exit the classroom. Even then we didn’t quite fit. Ms. Gribbs had to scooch her own desk—yep, she sat in a student desk as well—slightly inside the circle.

Which is why Stu volunteered to sit right next to her.

At first, I didn’t get it. Why would someone who aimed to make mischief want to sit so close to the teacher? Everyone knows the more mischief one plans to make, the farther he or she should sit from the teacher.

“You don’t understand, Bird Bones,” Stu said to me at lunch. Bird Bones was his nickname for me.

“Understand what?” I asked.

“The paradigm has shifted, dude.”

He really talked like that. Lots of dudes. Lots of big words like paradigm.

To this day I don’t know where he came up with these words.

“Now that Ms. G’s got us in a circle,” he continued, “the best way to get off her radar is to get out of her peripherals, dude. The closer I sit, the easier it is to do that.”

As usual, Stu was right.

To prove it, he routinely got out of his desk without Ms. Gribbs noticing. Usually he would just pace the front of the room, one long stride at a time. He’d go from the file cabinet, past the chalkboard, to the podium Ms. Gribbs had tucked away in the other corner. After touching the podium, he’d pivot around and head back.

Back and forth, back and forth.

Then, one day, he stopped.

Stopped pacing. Stopped dead in his tracks.

He was right behind Ms. Gribbs, and he stood there like that, towering over her, apparently deep in thought. He scratched his chin with his long fingers, and then—finally—nodded his head as though he’d made a decision.

He took a long step backward and began walking sideways. His shoulder blades smeared the chalk on the blackboard as he moved.

When he got to the podium, he stopped again.

There must have been some space between the podium and the wall—but it couldn’t have been much. Then again, Stu never needed much space. He may have been unbelievably tall, but he was also unbelievably skinny. The expression “paper thin” comes to mind.

In fact, that’s a perfect way to describe him in that moment.

I don’t know exactly how he did it, but in one stepping, twisting, contorting motion, Stu managed to fold himself up like origami until he was inside the podium.

It had never occurred to me the podium was hollow, so Stu’s disappearance looked like a magic trick.

He’d hunched and bent over and then—all at once—gone poof!

At some point, Ms. Gribbs turned to check on Stu….

(To read the rest of the story, get the book: https://www.amazon.com/Stu-Stories-Adventures-Sidekick-Bones/dp/1462119557)

Stu Stories: The Adventures of Dirt Clod and His Sidekick, Bird Bones

Stu-Stories_9781462119554

Stu Stories
The Adventures of Dirt Clod and His Sidekick, Bird Bones
by Patrick “Bird Bones” Hueller
Illustrations by Adam Record

Stu Sanderson is no ordinary eighth-grader. Almost seven feet tall, he vanishes into thin air, duels knights with ninja stealth, lifts the downtrodden, and woos the coolest, best-calved girl in school.

Become a middle-grade legend with Stu and his sidekick, Bird Bones, on the journey of a lifetime in Stu Stories.

Available now!

Product Details
Title: Stu Stories: The Adventures of Dirt Clod and His Sidekick, Bird Bones
Author: Patrick Hueller
Publisher:Cedar Fort, Inc.
Perfect Paperback: 160 pages
ISBN-13: 9781462119554
Publication date:11/01/2016
Price: $10.99

“Stu and Bird Bones’ adventures are hilarious, sometimes horrifying, and definitely legendary. This book hits on pretty much every topic I cared about when I was a kid (love, Jedis, severed legs, etc.).”

Geoff Herbach, author of Fat Boy vs. the Cheerleaders

 

“Really fun . . . has tones of Wayside School and Maniac Magee and How Angel Peterson Got His Name.”

—Kurtis Scaletta, author of Mudville

 

Stu Stories captures eighth grade life in its finest and wackiest form. A fun-filled zany ride!”

—Frank Cole, author of The Afterlife Academy

 

“Because I’m Patrick ‘Bird Bones’ Hueller’s brother, people ask me, ‘Did everything in Stu Stories really happen?’ But enough about Patrick. Let’s get back to talking about me.”

—Andy Hueller, author of Skipping Stones at the Center of the Earth and other amazing books

 

“The more legendary this book becomes, the more legendary I become.”

—Stu